How My Mother Died

How my mother died

I remember how I lied about the cause of my mother’s death during my teenage. Every time someone had asked about it, I would say “Brain Stroke” or “Stroke” or something else. I contradicted myself several times while doing it.

My father had forbidden me to tell anyone the real cause. So, I lied again and again. I knew no one was going to take it in a human way- or at least past experiences suggested so.

Maybe it is the time, I opened up about it as I know I am just helping a taboo by not doing so.

My mother suffered from a mental condition called Schizophrenia. Many times I saw her talking with herself. I couldn’t understand then, but now I understand how she suffered from hallucination, loneliness and depression.

Life was hard for her, and I hardly could understand that. All the obsessions, the pressure of handling a family was killing her inside.

So, in 2005 she decided to hang herself.

I still remember that day. I was watching the farmers cutting crops from our officers quarters’ apartment at Gurudaspur, Natore. After some time I went inside. My mother was in a room, the door was locked from inside. I asked her to come out and she told me she will after some time. I couldn’t understand what she was doing inside a locked room. I understood later she was trying to hang herself on the ceiling fan hook with a ‘gamcha’. As she failed to do it, she went to the rooftop to hang herself on some hook. If not for some laborers, who couldn’t let her do that, my mother could have died that day.

We left Natore after that incident, to avoid public shaming I think.

My mother went through psychiatric treatment after that. But, the problem with any mental condition is that there is no cure. You can’t take some tablets for some days and get well. I don’t know whether my mother became more able to fight her inner demons.

So, time went by.

11 June, 2011

On this day my mother really died. Though I still don’t know whether it was a suicide or accident. There was a river close to our house in Naogaon. And she drowned onto that.

It was just another day. I was out for a tuition class. And a man came to the tuition class to take me home. My tuition class was not over, so it felt really unusual that someone would come and take me home. And I didn't the know the man, though he was a neighbor which I found out later. So, I refused to go with him. After some time, one man from the tuition authority took me back home.

Reflecting on that day, I don't think I had the faintest idea of what was waiting for me back home. Everything felt normal en route to our apartment on a rickshaw.

There was a crowd in front of the gate of our apartment. Unusual. I went inside. My elder sister was crying. And she told me that our mother was dead. 

Yes, we left Naogaon after that.

So, as I kept lying about it time went on, and I started developing a condition as well. Hallucination, depression and all those things.

When I told my father about my condition, as he had already lost his faith on psychiatric treatment (which is another misconception), refused to take me to mental health professional. And, I suffered.

Let’s not get into my feelings.

So why did my mother die? Is it because she had some mental condition or the taboo associated with it ? I don’t know.

But, does it help the society to ignore some of its unfortunate members’ suffering? Does it?

I don’t think this post would change anything. But, let’s question the taboo.